I've Found Someone

Well. It's official. I'm dating someone. He's one of my really good guy friends' older brothers. His name is Brian. He's a sweetheart. And I'm happy. And I really wanted to write a long blog about this, but I don't exactly have the time right now. Maybe later. =)

Goddess Divine.

Doing a little yard work.

Not much to post. All I really have to say is I'm weeding people from my life currently. The ones that don't care, but pretend to. All that good stuff. Back in school Second week of my junior year of college. Crazy how the time flies and all.

Well, that's about it. Peace. :D

xoxo

goddess divine

Try as I might...

But all I ever really wanted was a little piece of you..

So I've been roleplaying with this particular guy on my Peyton Sawyer (OTH) myspace. And I noticed that he was getting really attached to me, like he wanted to date me or something. It's only been a couple of days. So I was just like.. yeah.. I'd like to get to know you better before considering something like that. And to test him, like I've tested every guy before him, I showed him a picture of me. And he proved me right. He insulted me, not directly, and I'm sure he didn't mean to. But how do you ask a girl "Have you ever been skinny?" Like wtf.... 

So, I basically signed off without saying a single word to him. And I've been sitting in my room evaluating myself. As I often do when I get turned down by a guy. I just think about how I'll never be good enough, or pretty enough, or skinny enough for anyone to ever love me. And all of my friends say that it's not true. That someday, someone will come along. But I honestly don't see it happening. I'm not even looking for love right now in my life. Just someone to spend time with. Someone that cares about me. I'm not looking for sex. Hell, I'm almost a 21 year old virgin for crying out loud. I just want the company. 

So, since this guy insulted me.. I've been wallowing in pity and crying and of course, I read all of his emails. Not the guy that insulted me. Kyle. The soldier. The one that I've been so crazy about for years now. The one that made all of these promises to me, but never kept them. I have emails, tons and tons of them between us. I knew that I would want to read them in the future. I knew that they would remind me of why I cared so much for him. Sure, we don't know much about each other. But we have, or well, had, a connection that I can't deny. I really miss him. So I've been crying and wallowing in pity and all that good stuff for a while.. I just wish that I could talk to someone that could understand. Someone that knew the situation. 

I waited for him. I've been waiting for him for so long. Why do I always get duped in the end? I get treated like I was nothing. That's what I've felt like. I mean, hell, I was there for him all through Iraq and now? Now.. it's like he's disappeared. I fucking miss him. I just want to be there for him. But that's what I did. It didn't do a damn thing. I don't just want to be there for him. I want to be with him. I want to know what it feels like to love someone and be loved in return. Someone that doesn't like me for my body, but likes me for my soul. Someone that I connect with. Someone that calls me beautiful.....and princess.

So far, the only person those words have come from... well, he's apparently not talking to me. I guess I can't blame him. I probably scared him away, like I've scared away every other guy that's ever come in to my life. Almost every guy friend.. Any chance at a boyfriend in the last six and a half years... my father. I'm like a repellent for the male sex. 

Goddamnit Kyle, I miss you. Stop doing this to me. Just come back to me. Please. I need you.

Permanent.

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye, forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry. 

I've been contemplating life a lot recently. I've been thinking about the decisions that I've made thus far in my life. You'll have to excuse this post because I will probably leave and come back to it various times until I feel that I've said everything that I need to say. I have a lot on my mind, and those thoughts are pretty scattered, so yes. 

The theatre. I love the theatre. It's one of my greatest passions. But it's not my greatest passion of all. My greatest passion is writing. Expressing myself through words is definitely the one thing that I would love to do more than anything. I want to write a story, a story that when someone reads it, they just think, 'Wow'. I want to affect people with the way I write. Like Jane Austen. She was definitely one of the greatest female writers ever. She was ahead of her time, that's for sure. I've been working on a few ideas lately. My main one is a vampire story. Now, before anyone goes thinking that I was influenced by Twilight, I so was not. This story has been in the making since I graduated from high school, and it is in no way affiliated with anything with Twilight. I'd like to think that it is a great story. But I don't have the story yet. I have the main character. And I've been working on her background information for a while now. But still no 100% story. I know kind of what I want to do, but it's been difficult to discover everything. But that's the process. Great works don't just happen over night. I'm sorry, Stephenie Meyer, yes, you are an amazing writer, but not everyone can complete two books within the span of a year. Look at J.K. Rowling. Harry Potter was in the makes for nearly two decades!! She is another true genius. She created this new world. That takes talent and time and effort and she's just amazing. I wish I could be half as great as that woman. 

It's not about the money for me. I don't want to write for profit. I want to write for change. If at least one thing that I write makes a person stop and think, then I have done my job as an artist. Yes, writing is an art form. It is an expression. It is something that I believe I will do great in. So, some people ask why don't I become an English major? Why stick with theatre? Because I don't believe that you need a degree in English to write. I believe that, as long as you have the basic knowledge of grammar and such, you can be a writer. I will have my theatre background to fall back on. The plan has always been for me to move back to my hometown and work as the technical director at my high school and the middle school back home. But when I look into my future, I don't really see that. I don't really see myself becoming a teacher. I see myself doing something great. This sounds conceited, but I do see myself making a good amount of money. And I see myself living somewhere on the west coast. As much as I would love to spend the rest of my life near family and friends, I just don't see that happening honestly.

That's another thing. I'm by no means psychic. I don't get visions.. or anything like that. But I have feelings. Almost like seeing the future. Like, when I lived in Breaux Bridge before high school, I never saw myself graduating from Breaux Bridge High. I always saw myself graduating from Zachary High. Then we suddenly moved back to Zachary before I started high school. Weird, right? Like, I see myself marrying David Cook in like.. ten years. LOL. That's so a joke. A girl can dream, right? But really, I have feelings about things. These feelings I cannot explain. Those feelings also tell me a lot about people that I meet, unless I am being completely thrust into a new environment and there are so many new vibes that I get confused. I was wrong about a lot of people when I first came to college, but now, it's like I can tell whether I'm going to like a person or not when I meet them. It's weird. And I can't explain it. It just is.

I've been feeling pretty lonely as of late. I think it's because all of my friends that came to NSU with me are now officially out of Natchitoches as of early May. Two people that I graduated high school with came with me to NSU. Then, I met a lot of new friends once I got here. But it seems as though those friends are dwindling...and quickly. It's nights like tonight when I just sit on the floor of my bedroom and think about life. (That's exactly what I'm doing.) I'm reminded of a phrase that was popular on one of my favorite tv shows... "People always leave." That's the fucking truth. Absofuckenlutely. There has been only one steady person in my life for its entirety: my mother. People come and go. I've had hundreds of friends through the years. But none of them have stuck as well as my mom. Not even my family has been that prominent. Idk. I'm just tired of it. Of giving my all and getting nothing in return. There are very few people that I know would go to the edge of the earth for me. Same for me. There are only a few people that I would do anything and everything for to make sure they attain happiness, whether its being a shoulder to cry on, a crutch to lean on, someone to keep you in their thoughts, someone to love. 

I am constantly that steady presence. Whenever I make a promise to someone to always be there, I stick to it. I cannot stand the people that come to me when they want something. That shit drives me nuts. But I let it happen, because I'm that much of a passive person. Especially when it comes to people in positions of authority above me. Which brings me to my next point: one of my professors is such a child. You would think since he's in that position of authority, he would act like he's almost forty years old. Nope. He acts like he's a twenty something guy that can say and/or do whatever he pleases. He's as two faced as the other bridesmaids in my best friend's wedding a couple of weeks ago. He's like a twenty something girl when it comes to gossip. And there's a girl in our department. She's like a mini-him, but in female version. I used to call her my mini-me. Because a year ago, I was exactly where she was in the theatre department. I was on top. It seemed like nothing could bring me down. But something did. Death. The deaths of my stepbrother and my great grandmother sent me into a full blown depression. So I stopped going to the shop. I would go to class, if I even went to class, and sit on my ass. I wouldn't do homework. I never applied myself. And I didn't want to be in a shop with this professor.

He's "not being asked back" after his contract is up at the end of this year. That's just code for being FIRED! Thank fucking god. I'm sick of him. He's such a jackass. I mean, what type of person talks to you like a piece of shit whenever your great grandmother just died and you tell him that you're not sure if you're going to be able to work on a show because you're waiting on funeral arrangements?! I wasn't going to go if they were in the middle of the week. Because I was needed to do the show, but after he acted like that towards me, I knew that I was going home no matter what. I wasn't going to fucking deal with his shit when I felt like I did. 

God. I miss my great grandmother so much. I've been to see her; she's up in a wall in a mausoleum in Baker, LA. When I go, I just talk to her. I tell her everything that's going on in my life. I tell her about all of my problems, and even though I can't hear her, I know she's giving me advice. To make the best of the situation. To keep my head up. I miss her. I wish I had just one more day with her. So we could talk about all of the things that I've talked to her about since her passing. She was just so old; having conversations with her were difficult. But I know, had she been younger when I came to this age, she would probably be my best friend. I didn't really know much about her until her passing. I just knew that she loved us. She absolutely loved her great grandkids. And, though my mom and dad were divorced, she still looked at my mom as family. And she hated my father for the way he's done his children. I just really miss her. I know she's with me wherever I go, but sometimes it would be nice to be able to hear her voice again. That's the thing that I miss the most. Her voice. The way she laughed. The way she joked. I miss everything about her. I know it was her time. She lived a long and happy life, but I feel like I didn't get enough time with her. Right after her passing, I felt so guilty. Because I'd rarely been to see her. It was maybe twice a year. Christmas, a crawfish boil at my grandparents in May. I just remember seeing her that last time, at her house. Hospice was doing their job. She was laid up in that hospital bed in her living room. She would hardly wake up. I don't think she even knew I was there. And I was too scared to get too close to her. She was so fragile. She'd lost so much weight. I didn't want to hurt her. I stayed in there all of ten minutes before having to go outside. I had to sit outside the rest of the visit because I couldn't watch her. I hate death. I hate that being my last memory. I normally avoid situations like this because I don't want to remember people as that. Or lying in a casket. I want to remember them as being happy and the people that I loved. For six months, I have not been able to get that sickly image from my mind. I miss her. She fought for my brother, sister and I when it came to my jackass of a father. 

I had a dream about him last night. He found me somewhere with friends and he wanted to talk to me. He wanted to sit down and actually discuss the things I'd said in my letter to him back in January. Shocked the hell out of me. It makes me wonder if that's a sign. That maybe my letter had some effect. I know that I said I was done with him, but I can't completely squash that little bit of hope that one day my father will take an interest in my life. Even though I know it will never happen. All I have to say is that when my sister has that baby in November, if he decides to show up, I will verbalize that he, nor his wife, are welcome. If he refuses to leave, I will threaten him with telling the nurse that there's some old, balding fat man snatching up babies<-So got that from Knocked Up!. I will not hesitate to cause a scene. My sister said that she does not want him there. And I don't plan on letting her get upset. He's got not right to reap the benefits of being a grandparent when he couldn't even be a parent. 

Funny thing, a couple of weeks ago, my step sister got married. He walked her down the aisle. THAT'S THE ONLY FUCKING DAUGHTER HE'S GOING TO GET TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE. HE SURE AS HELL AINT WALKING ME. Speaking of that bitch of a step sister. Okay. So, when Sarah got pregnant with Mason, it was such blasphemy. She was pregnant and unwed and living in sin!!! OH NO! Get this: My stepsister is pregnant! Like, quite a ways pregnant. They just got married!! It's not okay for one daughter, but it is okay for another. It's my stupid evil fucking stepmother. She controls my father. I can't wait for the day when the money runs out and she walks out on him. Because he's going to come to us, his three children, my brother, my sister and me, and we will reject him, like he did to us. At least, I know that I will. I will not let him be in my godson or my future niece's life. I refuse to let him get their hopes up with false promises and then break their hearts when he doesn't follow through. That's what he did to me for twelve years before I gave up. It took me a long time to realize that I do have a dad. His name is Randall Duncan. He and my mom are engaged to be married. He's the greatest man in the world. And his daughters don't see that, which kills me. He sees me more than them for the most part, and I live three hours away. It's rather sad, but that's life, I guess. I just know that he will be walking me down the aisle. He's been a better father to me in the last five years than my own has been in 20. 

That tells you the difference between a father and a daddy. Any man can father a child, but it takes a real man to be a daddy.

I'm beginning to think that I don't want to have children. I don't really see them in my future. I see there being someone for me to grow old with, but I'm not sure about children. I mean, I know that pregnancy is a beautiful experience and that everyone woman should go through with it, but I'm finding the older that I get, the more I really don't want to. I'm not trying to be bitchy. I'm simply stating my feelings towards it. I've got my godson. And I've got a goddaughter that I will hopefully see one day. And hopefully more godchildren on the way. And I'm good with that, you know? I'm fine with godchildren. But having my own, I don't know. It would take a very special man for me to choose to have kids. Mainly because of what my father did to me. I don't want that to happen to any children that may possibly be in my future. 

Which brings me to my next subject. Love. Love love love. Recently, I have witnessed true love. My best friend Shelby and her husband Shannon. They got married on June 6th. Their love makes me believe in my own true love. I know that there is someone out there waiting for me. I don't know if I've already met him, or if I'll met him in the future, or what. But I know he's out there. See, when it comes to love, I am one of two things: heavily guarded, or easily led. Take the second one, for example. I put everything out on the line. I tell them every secret I've ever had and they run with it-and my heart. [Wow.. so befitting, I'm listening to a music player from a friend of mine and "Lovefool" by the Cardigans is on.] All I've ever wanted was for someone to give me a chance. And I feel like I have yet to have that chance. The other: heavily guarded. I completely write people off. I build up my wall so high that no one wants to climb it to get in. I used to be easily led, but I'm making a vow now to be a little more guarded. I can't let my guard down, because I only end up getting hurt. I'm tired of hurting. I'm ready to live.

So, in closing, I know this was long, as are most of my blogs whenever I can't sleep and I'm just thinking and thinking. I would like to thank you for reading, because it gives me hope in humanity. It really does. [Wow.. "Hands Clean" by Alanis Morrisette...this person has a GREAT playlist]. Okay. I'm ending this now. Because I'm sitting outside and the bugs are trying to eat me. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed. Any words of advice or encouragement? They are welcomed via comment.

**I've recently been an avid Post Secret fan. These are just two of the many that really have touched me.

Thanks for reading once again,

Goddess x Divine. 

Yep.

When you find you, come back to me.

Is Nothing Ever Good Enough?

I'm an emotional person.

Okay. Now that that is out of the way.

I am sick and tired of being the convenient one. Being there for people when they need me, but they're never there for me when I need them.

I am sick of trying my hardest to be there for people that I care about, when once they're done with me, they're done.

Four years. Four whole years that I have cared for him, two of which included a deployment to Iraq. I was there for him through just about the entire thing. I wanted to put my life on hold for him. I wanted to be with him. And I thought that once he got home, that he and I could finally be together. I wanted to forsake everything for him. 

Sad thing is, I probably still would. I can't let go. I need to. So badly. I have got to let him go. 

But it's hard. Four years ago he and I started talking. It's hard to say goodbye to someone that you love, even though you hardly know them.

Because let's face it. I don't know him. We've only talked a little. I don't know much about him or his life. He doesn't know much about me or my life. 

Four years. 

Why do I do this shit to myself? Why am I always the one that puts my heart out there on the line? I'm an easy target for the big talkers. I always have been. I give my heart away far too easily, really. It's sad. Because all I've ever wanted was someone to care for me.

I have always had this feeling that whatever relationship I'm in, I would always be the one giving myself more, or loving him more. 

I always read way too far in to things, I guess. Like whenever he told me that his heart was mine. Oh wait. That's pretty obvious as to what it says. 

But I do tend to read too far in to things. I over analyze them, thinking that they mean this and that and more and-

Like his myspace song. "You mean to me, what I mean to you. And together baby, there is nothing we won't do. Cause if I got you, I don't need money, I don't need cars, girl you're my heart. Oh, I'm into you and no one else will do, cause with every kiss and every hug, you make me fall in love."

Yep. I read way too far in to things. 

He knew that I wanted to come and visit him when he got home from Iraq.

He knew.

So. Why didn't he message me? Why didn't he try to make an effort to see me?

It's just me letting my heart go too far in to things without fully thinking it through. 

I have this thing, called women's intuition. And I've been ignoring it for a long time. I had a feeling that when he returned, he wouldn't even put an effort forward to see me, or to talk to me. But I didn't think that he would completely ignore me. I didn't think that I wouldn't hear from him. 

I hate putting my heart on the line only to get it crushed. Every time.

I want to get married and have a life with someone. I want to sit on my front porch in matching rockers watching the sunset.

But, of course, that will never happen. 

I've fallen so far. I don't know how to pick myself up again.

So, to you, the person that I've held on to for four years, this is going to be hard to get over. But it's something that I have to do. So I don't keep getting let down.

"Goodbye" by Secondhand Serenade

It's a shame that it had to be this way.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry.

It's not enough to say I'm sorry.

Maybe I'm to blame.

Or maybe we're the same.

But either way, I can't breathe.

Either way, I can't breathe.

All I had to say is goodbye.

We're better off this way.

We're better off this way.

I'm alive, but I'm losing all my drive.

Cause everything we've been through.

And everything about you.

Seemed to be a lie.

A guiltless twisted lie.

It made me learn to hate you.

Or hate myself for letting it pass by.

All I had to say is goodbye.

We're better off this way.

We're better off this way.

All I had to say is goodbye.

We're better off this way.

We're better off this way.

And every, everything isn't only,

What is seemed so hold these,

Words that you never told me,

It's time to say goodbye.

It's time to say goodbye.

It's time to say goodbye.

Goodbye.

Bye.

Take my pain away,

Tear it out,

Tell me I was wrong.

Tell me I was wrong.

Take my hand away,

Tear it out.

Tell me I was wrong.

Tell me I was wrong.

Take my pain away,

Tear it out.

Tell me I was wrong.

Tell me I was wrong.

Thanks for reading,

Goddess Divine. 

Scream Out Loud

Oh my gosh. I have so many things to write about. So so so so so many. So many emotions and events and people and just... I'm not sure where I'm at right now in my life. I mean, I know, I'm in college, I'm studying to get my degree and all of that good crap, but I'm not sure where I stand with a lot of people in my life. I'm not sure if I'm emotionally stable enough to keep going as I've been going. So I'm going to make a list of things that have bugged me.

1. My birthday was this past Sunday. My best friend Lauren did not even call me to wish me happy birthday. Now, I think that I'm allowed to be a little selfish on my birthday, especially because I know that she knew it was my birthday. We were going to make plans for it, but then I got the flu and I ended up sleeping on my mother's couch that entire weekend. The fact of the matter is that she didn't even call me. So yes, I'm pissed. See, she and I lived together last semester, then she decided to drop out and she moved back home. Since she moved, things have been really weird. I just don't know where our friendship stands anymore. It just breaks my heart at how close we used to be, and now I don't even know her.

2. Kyle. I haven't heard from him since a couple of days before Christmas. He told me back in November that he was supposed to be home at the end of February. Well, it's the end of February (well, almost) and I haven't heard anything from him. I'm just worried, like I always do. Did he get held over again? Gah, that would really suck if he did. I'm just ready for him to come home and be safe. I just need to hear from him to know that everything is going okay. I miss him, a lot.

3. Family. Mainly my mother. So, she makes plans to come up to school to see me, and hang out and spend the night, and then something just comes up. Something always comes up and she either cancels her plans or she doesn't stay as long as she said she will. I have a right to be upset about this, I think. Because I don't get to see her as much as the rest of my family does. It hurts because I can't see her that much. This is my mother. I love her with everything in me. I do. And I'm not trying to be babied or whatever. I would just like my 'mommy' time. I may be 20 years old, but I still want my mother every once in a while. And not seeing her for months at a time is pretty much killing me right now. I got to see her this weekend, for a short period of time. But okay.

4. I've had the flu. It sucks ass. I ended up driving back to Baton Rouge on Friday. I fell asleep at my mom's house (while they were off on a trip) from Friday night until Sunday morning. I was miserable on that couch. So I just popped Lifetime on the tv and watched movies between naps. I'm beginning to feel better, but my body is still aching and I'm still coughing shit up. It just frustrates me because I know that I'm not 100% me yet. I haven't been 100% me for a very long time.

That's another thing. Being the full me. Parts of me are missing. A lot of them. And I just can't seem to find those pieces to get back together. I've been adapted well without them, but I kind of want them back.

Okay, so this isn't nearly everything that I wanted to write about, but it's three in the morning and I need sleep before school.

Thanks for reading

Goddess Divine